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What are the Effects of a Lack of Intimacy In a Relationship?

No relationship is plain sailing. It takes a joint commitment to make them work, but sometimes, butting heads isn’t the issue. As people get content in relationships, they get more comfortable and things can start to slide. Once you settle into a routine, it can be easy to forget to make time for each other. Whilst the honeymoon phase certainly doesn’t last forever, you need to make sure the intimacy you had in the beginning doesn’t wane.

If you’re busy with work, friends, and chores, there’s every chance that your intimacy levels could dwindle, perhaps even unknowingly. Some people are more intimate than others, but we all need love and affection, both mentally and physically. Without it, relationships struggle in more ways than one.

In this blog, we’re going to look at some of the effects a lack of intimacy can have on a relationship, and what can be done to help bring it back and keep the relationship on track.

What Counts as Intimacy?

Firstly, it’s important to note what intimacy is. Many people assume it’s just sex, but this isn’t the case. There are two types of intimacy:

Emotional intimacy

Emotional intimacy is when you are able to connect on a deeper level. When you and your partner both feel safe, secure, loved, and trust each other, this is when you know you have an emotional connection. It can take time to build emotional intimacy and it often comes from actions that convey feelings. Being emotionally intimate is often more challenging than being physically intimate because it involves building a foundation of trust.

Physical intimacy

Some people are more physically intimate than others, but it’s part of our nature to need physical reassurance through hugging, touching, kissing, and hand-holding. Sometimes, physical intimacy can form before emotional intimacy because at the start of a relationship, there is often a sexual interest that draws both you and your partner together. A sexless relationship or one that is void of sexual intimacy can be difficult to sustain. This is often one of the most challenging aspects of a long distance relationship.

Both emotional and physical intimacy are key components of every romantic relationship.

Effects of Lack of Intimacy in a Relationship

Oftentimes, one person in a relationship is more intimate than the other. Relationships like this can still work, provided there is adequate communication between both people. If one person feels like they’re not getting enough from their partner and they don’t speak up, this can cause issues down the line, making it all the more important to have an honest conversation if you feel like intimacy is causing relationship issues between you and your partner.

Communication Problems

The first issues you’re likely to encounter stemming from lack of intimacy in your relationship are communication problems. If you don’t feel like you can connect with your partner in a deep sense, you might stop going to them when you feel sad, deflated, or unhappy, or when you have a problem. This causes an emotional distance. Without good communication, all relationships struggle because negative feelings are not addressed.

Self-Esteem Issues

Where physical intimacy is lacking, this can cause self-esteem. If your partner shows no interest in you physically, you might feel like they’re not attracted to you anymore, and this can cause you to question yourself. You might be asking yourself what’s wrong with you, or what about you is the reason your partner doesn’t seem interested in sexual activity with you. This can lead to you feeling like you’re not good enough and can result in low self-esteem. Issues with self-confidence can begin to affect other areas of your life outside your relationship, including at work.

Feeling Lonely and Isolated

We all feel lonely from time to time, but if your relationship is lacking the intimacy, it once had, you may find lonely and isolated most of the time. If you feel lonely in a relationship, you might begin to question why you’re in one, or whether being with your partner is actually doing anything positive for you. Emotionally, it might feel like you have no one to talk to, and this can cause you to bottle up your feelings. This in itself can lead to mental health issues such as stress or depression.

Questioning the Relationship

When it feels like intimacy in a relationship is gone, it’s natural that you might be thinking about the future of your relationship. If you have no physical intimacy, what makes your partner different from a friend? If you lack emotional intimacy, what separates them from an acquaintance? When these questions start popping up, it will inevitably lead to you questioning your relationship as a whole. This is when separation or divorce can become real possibilities.

What Causes a Lack of Intimacy?

There are lots of reasons why you might be experiencing dwindling intimacy in your relationship, with stress being one of the big ones. Stress can come from any and all directions, including work or finances. It can be difficult to relax when you’re stressed, causing a decreased sex drive. From an emotional perspective, you might find that arguments are more frequent during times of high stress, pushing you away from one another and making it difficult to get along, causing one or both of you to pull back from communicating.

Another factor is schedules. If you both work and barely see each other, it can be difficult to keep that spark alive. The same goes for those who have child care commitments and don’t find much time for each other.
Personal issues are also a big cause of lack of intimacy. If you’re having self-esteem issues, this could cause you to pull back unintentionally simply because you’re not happy with yourself. Another aspect is mental health problems. If one person in the relationship is struggling with their mental health, this can have a knock on effect.

What to Do if You’re Experiencing Lack of Intimacy

If you feel like there’s a lack of intimacy in your relationship, this doesn’t mean the relationship is going to end. There are a number of things you can do to revive it, including:

Communication

When you feel like something isn’t quite right or like your partner isn’t meeting your needs, have an honest and open discussion with them about it. Make sure you’re communicating calmly and respectfully, and don’t criticise them or try to blame them. A good way to begin open and honest communication is to follow the formula: “When you do/don’t do X, I feel Y, because X”. For example, “when you ignore me, I feel upset because I feel disconnected from you”. There is no blame being placed when we speak this way, and therefore your partner is less likely to shut down or become defensive. This is much better than saying “You always ignore me, I can’t stand it anymore!” which will cause your partner to become defensive.

As mentioned, oftentimes people don’t always know they’re being distant, so gently raising the issue is the best way to go about it. You might feel vulnerable discussing underlying issues with intimacy, especially if you’re in a long-term relationship and haven’t had issues before, but know that it’s perfectly normal and something most couples deal with. If you don’t communicate honestly, it will wreak havoc further down the line.

Time

Another thing you can try is to make time for each other, even if you have children. Reserve one day a week or a couple of days a month to go out on a date and just enjoy each other’s company, working on maintaining that romantic connection. When you spend quality time with your partner, you are paving the way for more communication. You can also work on rebuilding your emotional intimacy and remembering why you’re with that person and all the things you love about them. A healthy marriage or relationship relies on making time for each other.

Counselling

If you’re still struggling, relationship counselling can help. At Focus Therapy, I can help you and your partner work through physical intimacy issues, as well as the emotional side. Many couples find talking to a therapist to be incredibly useful in helping their relationship survive.

To find out more about how I can help you, please visit www.focustherapy.co.uk or call 07940539586.

The feeling of love, trust, and safety that comes from being with your partner is what we mean when we talk about intimacy in a relationship. It’s often considered the foundation of a relationship; an anchor for when the going gets tough and the reassurance that you’re not alone.

However, every romantic relationship is like a rollercoaster. There are good periods and less good periods; times when we feel really connected to our partner and times where we feel more distant. These ebbs and flows are part of any relationship, but what about if you feel like the lack of intimacy is more persistent? Can your relationship survive without intimacy?

In this blog, we’ll talk about what intimacy is and why intimacy might wane. Then, we’ll explain some ways to address this with your partner, so you know how to survive a relationship without intimacy.

Intimacy in relationships

First things first, it’s important to know that periods without intimacy are normal in any relationship. Significant life events like a new job or grief can get in the way of regular intimacy, as well as periods of stress or where you have lots of responsibilities to take care of. We should also acknowledge that there are two core

in any relationship: emotional and physical. Both are equally important for a strong, long-standing relationship.

Emotional Intimacy

When you and your partner both feel safe, secure, and loved, you have a strong level of emotional intimacy. Creating a deeper level of trust is important for fostering a connection with your partner. Emotional intimacy can lead to a positive sexual relationship based on higher levels of trust.

Physical Intimacy

Physical intimacy is what most of us immediately think of when we hear the word intimacy: physical affection and sexual intimacy, such as hand-holding, cuddling, hugging, kissing and, of course, sex. In relationships, sometimes, sexual desire and intimacy develops before emotional intimacy, but in other cases, being able to communicate openly can lead to physical intimacy as a result.

Why might there be a lack of intimacy?

As we touched on above, there are a number of reasons why relationships go through periods of little or no intimacy:

Short-term changes

A lack of intimacy could be brought about by short term changes, such as a hectic few weeks at work, a big deadline, or some other external stressor. In these cases, it’s likely a waiting game. Once the stressful event is over, it’s more than likely that you’ll fall back into a more intimate relationship and feel connected again.

Significant life events

Sometimes, there are more persistent changes and life events that also get in the way of intimacy. Financial difficulties, a change in employment, or even mental health difficulties can last a lot longer than a period of work stress. This can put a much larger strain on a relationship, especially if only one partner is having difficulties.

Lifestyle shifts

Lastly, there might be a complete change in your lifestyle that might mean that you feel like you’ve grown apart and that intimacy is missing. The most obvious example here tends to be having children: pregnancy, childbirth and the first few months can take up a lot of mental and physical energy, leaving little time for intimacy with your partner.

How to survive a relationship without intimacy

If you’ve been reading this blog and seeing parallels to your relationship, you might now be wondering if there’s anything that can be done about it, if there’s a way to survive the relationship without intimacy. The answer is slightly complicated. The short version is, if you don’t take steps to address your feelings of diminished intimacy, it’s likely the relationship won’t survive. However, in most cases where there is open communication between partners, you stand a strong chance of being able to improve intimacy and weather the storm.

We’re going to look at three things you can do if you’re experiencing a lack of emotional and physical intimacy in your relationship:

• Talk your feelings through
• Go back to the dating stage
• Explore couples counselling

Talk your feelings through

One of the first things we recommend that you do if you’re feeling like there is a lack of intimacy in your relationship is talk to your partner. Opening an honest and respectful channel of communication is an important first step in understanding why you might be feeling this way and moving past it together. Create that space for both of you to share your feelings and be vulnerable with each other in a safe way. You might uncover an underlying reason for drifting apart, which allows you to course-correct and begin to build that connection again once you realise, you’re both on the same page.

Go back to the dating stage

The first phases of a relationship are filled with a huge amount of passion, and the honeymoon phase is so exciting for a reason. With a lot of physical touch and time dedicated to building an emotional connection, it’s no surprise that this is one of the most intimate times in a relationship. If this begins to fade, a sexless relationship may evolve and there may be no clear distinction between your partner and your friends. Sexless marriages and relationships often end due to this, so it’s important to keep the romantic spark alive. You can bring some of that spark back by going back to the start and dating each other again.

Dedicate one night a week as date night, where you do something just the two of you to rekindle your spark. If time and money are a factor, maybe try bringing them a coffee at work or planning a film night at home. Giving each other this level of attention can help bring back some more of that intimacy that was so strong in the early stages of the relationship.

Explore couples counselling

It can be difficult to navigate these relationship challenges alone. It requires that you get vulnerable with yourself and your partner which, if you’re struggling to feel connected, can be challenging.

Relationship counselling

can offer you both a safe space to work through your feelings and find ways to reintroduce intimacy into your relationship. Many couples find relationship counselling plays a core role in keeping them aligned and helping the relationship to not only survive but thrive.

Going to counselling can ensure you’re able to reconnect on an emotional level whilst addressing issues that could be contributing to your lack of intimacy. Communication and openness go hand in hand with a positive and healthy relationship.

Relationship counselling with Focus Therapy

If you’d like to explore couples counselling with your partner, there are options to explore. You can be supported to address physical intimacy and sex life issues, or you can work through the emotional connection. Get in touch today by visiting www.focustherapy.co.uk or call 07940539586 to discuss how counselling at Focus Therapy can help you to survive a relationship without true intimacy.