Author: info@focustherapy.co.uk

In person-centered therapy, developed by Carl Rogers, people are seen as having a natural drive to become their best selves. This is called self-actualization, and it means living in line with who you really are and what truly matters to you.

Many times, though, work, family or society puts pressure on us, making it hard to live as our true selves. This can lead to depression, anxiety, or feeling lost. Mental health problems can sometimes happen when we aren’t able to express our real selves because of these outside pressures. Often, people feel like life has no purpose or meaning, which makes their struggles even harder, especially if they’ve been through trauma or other tough experiences.

Trauma and Defences: Barriers to Meaning
A lot of people come to therapy carrying the weight of past trauma and psychological defences. Trauma can break apart someone’s sense of self, leaving them feeling disconnected from who they are and what gives life meaning. They might feel lost, unsure how to make sense of what happened to them.

Psychological defences, like denying painful memories or pushing emotions away, help protect people from overwhelming pain. But, while these defences help in the short term, they can make it harder for someone to find their sense of purpose and meaning in the long run.
As a therapist, my job is to help clients slowly peel back these layers of defence. In a safe and non-judgmental space, they can explore their thoughts and feelings. This process helps them reconnect with the parts of themselves they may have buried. With time, they can start to find a sense of purpose in their lives, sometimes for the first time.

The Healing Power of Purpose and Meaning
When clients reconnect with a sense of purpose, the change is incredible. They start to understand their experiences better, make peace with the past, and begin to picture a future that feels meaningful. They gain a clearer sense of direction and motivation.

Therapy helps in this process of discovery and integration. This might involve exploring values, passions, and beliefs, or helping clients challenge any negative thoughts holding them back from living in an authentic way. Even the painful parts of life can start to make sense when they are woven into a meaningful story of a person’s life.

The relationship between the therapist and client is essential in this process. Therapy is built on empathy, acceptance, and trust, giving clients the freedom to explore their inner world without fear of being judged. In this space, they can uncover their authentic selves and the purpose that may have been hidden under layers of pain.

Conclusion: The Path to Healing
Finding purpose and meaning in life isn’t just a nice bonus from therapy—it’s essential for true healing. Without exploring these deeper questions, therapy could just focus on short-term symptom relief instead of offering a full, life-changing transformation.

For many people, the search for purpose is at the heart of their healing journey. Living true to yourself brings peace, clarity, and a sense of fulfilment. As a therapist, I am constantly amazed by the strength of the human spirit and how people can find meaning, even in the face of profound challenges and distressing experiences. It’s an honour to be part of their journeys, helping my clients reconnect with who they really are and discover the deeper meaning in their lives.

If you would like professional support from Donna Tibby, in finding your path to healing, please call our on 07940539586 or email info@focustherapy.co.uk. Sessions are available at our rooms in High Barnet and Harrow.

In previous generations, being single was something that was frowned upon, leading many people to believe that the only way to find real happiness was to be in a romantic relationship. As time has gone on, there is less pressure to be in a relationship, and more people than ever are single, but that doesn’t mean single people don’t still struggle with not having a partner.

Whether it’s because you’ve come out of a long-term relationship and you’re having trouble finding your feet as an independent person, or because all your friends seem to be moving on, getting married, and starting families and you feel left behind, there are plenty of reasons why you might be struggling with singleness. In this article, we’re going to explore some of the ways you can cope with being single and how you can get comfortable with being on your own.

Statistics about singleness

Before we delve into some of the methods you can use to embrace single life, it’s helpful to look at some of the key statistics around the topic. Around 35% of the UK population is single (never been married or in a legally recognised partnership). The number of single females increased by 2.5% from 2009-2019, and the number of single males increased by just under 2% across the same period.

The number of married people is decreasing over time. One in four people do not live in a couple and have never been married (Source: Office for National Statistics). From these stats, you can see that increasing numbers of people are single and haven’t been in a relationship, and this is an ongoing trend. So, if you feel like the odd one out because your peers are all in relationships, don’t worry; you’re not alone.

In fact, there are millions of other people just like you, so you don’t need to feel like you’re going wrong somewhere or are ‘abnormal’ for not having found the ‘right person’ yet.

Common issues with singleness

So, what are some of the common gripes people have with their relationship status being single?

Loneliness
Perhaps one of the most prominent feelings amongst single people is loneliness. A large part of this comes from the fact that humans are social beings by nature, meaning we all have an innate desire to be loved, accepted, and doted on. Some researchers have found that being loved and receiving affection could be thought of as a basic human need, but that’s not all. As much as humans like to receive affection, they like to give it, too. Just like we need to feel loved and accepted, we have a similar need to give love and acceptance to those around us. It’s why many people feel the urge to protect children and nurture animals, and why we get so much joy out of giving people gifts and doing good deeds for them.

For a lot of people, their main source of love and affection comes from romantic relationships, meaning it can be hard to sustain those needs when you’re single, resulting in feelings of loneliness. You might have the company of family members and friends, but it’s not unusual for single adults to feel like other relationships (platonic ones) can’t make up for feeling lonely.

Fear of missing out (FOMO)
FOMO can happen with anything; from not being invited on a night out with your friends, to missing out on a holiday due to other commitments. It’s a natural part of life, but it can be more prevalent if your friends are hitting milestones in their lives that you’re not as ‘the single friend’. For example, you might feel like you’re missing out on key developmental steps if you’re not engaged, married, pregnant, a parent, or moving in with a significant other. This type of FOMO can be compounded by the likes of social media, as well as societal pressures to have hit certain milestones by a certain age. It may also be that you imagined your life looking differently to how it does, and that internal pressure from yourself can also contribute to FOMO and feeling like you’re being left behind.

Coping with singleness

Now, let’s look at some of the ways you can cope with being single:

Socialise more If you’re struggling with loneliness
It’s a good idea to throw yourself into socialising, whether it’s with friends and family or chatting to strangers you see when you’re out and about. There are lots of online communities where you can make new friends and chat with people if you’re feeling lonely, away from the online dating scene. Make plans to do things like go on holidays, days out, and seasonal events with close friends. These things aren’t just for couples; as long as you’re with good company, you’ll have a good time and feel all the better for it if you’re battling loneliness.

Dive into hobbies
Being in a relationship can make it hard to find time to spend on yourself, so being single is the perfect time to throw yourself into your hobbies. From sports to arts, this is the time to really hone in on your interests and do something for yourself. What’s more, if you join a club relevant to your hobby, you can meet like-minded people and develop friendships, again helping to quell feelings of loneliness. You might even meet your future spouse there – who knows!

Focus on personal development
On a similar sort of wavelength, being single presents the ideal opportunity for personal development. You can commit yourself 100% to your career and work on building a solid foundation for your future. You can also take time to go to therapy, get to know yourself, and really understand who you are, what you like, and where you want to go. This will ensure you’re the best version of yourself when the time comes for you to meet someone, and make sure you don’t settle for the wrong person because you’ll be firm in what you want. After all, the most important relationship in your life is the one you have with yourself.

Take a break from being online
As mentioned, being online can be tough if you’re a single person and all your peers are all in relationships. Don’t be afraid to tackle that FOMO head on and come off social media for a while if it’s all getting a bit too much. Everyone is on their own path and no one’s life is all sunshine and rainbows, despite what their Instagram page might look like.

Whether you remain single for a while despite seeing other people move on, or if you get married when you least expected it, there’s no linear path to happiness and your self-worth isn’t defined by having a spouse – even if it seems like that’s where everyone else is getting their happiness from

Dealing with singleness at Focus Therapy
Lots of emotions can crop up when you’re single, from loneliness and isolation to anxiety and even depression. It might be that you just want to figure out what went wrong previously or how you can be the best version of yourself moving forwards. Whatever it is, we can help. Some of the issues we can help with that relate to singleness include:

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Isolation and loneliness
• Communication
• Low self-esteem
• Bereavement and loss

Speak to us today in different manner of mental health conditions and if you’re feeling overwhelmed about being single or simply need advice about pursuing a healthy future relationship give us a call on 07940539586.

Starting Therapy in Autumn

September marks the beginning of a new season, a time of transition and renewal. The summer holidays are coming to an end and the shorter days are looming ahead. For some, who’ve been entertaining the kids for the last six weeks, September couldn’t come quickly enough. For others, the darker evenings and colder weather are met with dread. Whichever camp you fall into, one powerful step you can take towards enhancing your mental wellbeing this autumn is starting therapy. In this blog post, we will explore five reasons that this time of year is the perfect time to start your journey of self-discovery.

Five reasons autumn is the perfect time to start your journey of self-discovery

1. It’s time for a fresh start

September marks the beginning of autumn, a season associated with change and renewal. Just as the trees shed old leaves to make way for new growth, therapy can help you let go of emotional burdens, cultivate self-awareness, and embrace personal growth.

As well as there being a renewed sense of purpose in the air, September is a time when our routines restabilise after the summer holidays, as the kids go back to school and work settles into a more predictable pattern, it can be much easier to schedule regular appointments at this time of year. Building therapy sessions into your schedule from the start of the academic year or the work calendar can help ensure consistency and commitment to the process.

2. Prepare for the Christmas Season

The holiday season can bring both joy and stress and by starting therapy in September, you can equip yourself with everything you need to navigate this year’s festive period. Christmas can trigger a range of emotions that aren’t always positive, such as loneliness, grief, anxiety, and stress, not to mention managing toxic or difficult family members during the festivities.

Therapy can help you to develop coping strategies, communication skills, and emotional tools to navigate family gatherings, financial pressures, and increased social interactions. Counselling provides a safe space to address and manage holiday-related stressors proactively.

3. School and Work Transitions

For students, September often means the start of a new academic year, or even starting at a new school or institution. For professionals, September often heralds the start or ramping up of projects at work. These transitions can trigger feelings of anxiety, overwhelm, or uncertainty.

One of the main reasons that these transitions are challenging is the loss of familiarity. In school and work environments, we build routines, relationships, and a sense of belonging. When transitioning, we may leave behind friends, colleagues, and daily routines that we were comfortable with.

Therapy can offer valuable support in managing these changes, building resilience, and fostering a positive mindset.

4. Beat the Seasonal Blues

With the arrival of autumn, some individuals experience seasonal affective disorder (SAD). SAD is a type of depression that occurs at a specific time of year, typically during autumn and winter due to reduced sunlight exposure. For those who have been suffering with SAD for a while, September can be a difficult month because, while the days aren’t yet that much shorter, there is a particular dread and fear of the coming winter months.

By beginning therapy in September, you can build a strong relationship with your therapist, develop coping strategies to manage mood changes, and help prevent the onset of depressive symptoms.

5. Time for Reflection and Goal Setting

As the year approaches the final quarter, you may find yourself reflecting on accomplishments, challenges, and aspirations. Starting therapy in September allows you to work with a therapist to set meaningful goals for personal development, relationship improvement, or tackling specific mental health concerns.

Having a supportive therapist during this process can provide guidance, accountability, and a structured plan for growth. Therapy offers a confidential and non-judgemental space to explore your thoughts, emotions, and ambitions freely. Your counsellor can help you to clarify your priorities, overcome emotional, mental, and even physical obstacles, and hold you accountable in a supportive and encouraging manner.

Next Steps

Starting therapy can feel very overwhelming and nerve-wracking. Here are some steps to consider as you embark on this journey.

First, take some time to reflect on your goals and reasons for seeking therapy. This will help to guide your conversations with potential therapists.

Next, it’s time to do some research. Explore what options are available to you in your area or online. Consider how each therapist works, which approaches they use, and whether that aligns with your preferences and your goals for the therapy.

Many therapists offer initial consultations, which is a great opportunity to ask questions, discuss any concerns, and assess whether you feel comfortable with the therapist.

Finally, it is important to set realistic expectations for yourself. Therapy is a process that takes time. Be patient with yourself and the progress you make.

Focus Therapy is offering sessions from our bright and airy rooms in High Barnet or even from the comfort of your own home nationwide online. Get in touch today to start your therapy journey or click on the appointment button on the website www.focustherapy.co.uk to find out about me and how we can work together via Focus Therapy.

What are the Effects of a Lack of Intimacy In a Relationship?

No relationship is plain sailing. It takes a joint commitment to make them work, but sometimes, butting heads isn’t the issue. As people get content in relationships, they get more comfortable and things can start to slide. Once you settle into a routine, it can be easy to forget to make time for each other. Whilst the honeymoon phase certainly doesn’t last forever, you need to make sure the intimacy you had in the beginning doesn’t wane.

If you’re busy with work, friends, and chores, there’s every chance that your intimacy levels could dwindle, perhaps even unknowingly. Some people are more intimate than others, but we all need love and affection, both mentally and physically. Without it, relationships struggle in more ways than one.

In this blog, we’re going to look at some of the effects a lack of intimacy can have on a relationship, and what can be done to help bring it back and keep the relationship on track.

What Counts as Intimacy?

Firstly, it’s important to note what intimacy is. Many people assume it’s just sex, but this isn’t the case. There are two types of intimacy:

Emotional intimacy

Emotional intimacy is when you are able to connect on a deeper level. When you and your partner both feel safe, secure, loved, and trust each other, this is when you know you have an emotional connection. It can take time to build emotional intimacy and it often comes from actions that convey feelings. Being emotionally intimate is often more challenging than being physically intimate because it involves building a foundation of trust.

Physical intimacy

Some people are more physically intimate than others, but it’s part of our nature to need physical reassurance through hugging, touching, kissing, and hand-holding. Sometimes, physical intimacy can form before emotional intimacy because at the start of a relationship, there is often a sexual interest that draws both you and your partner together. A sexless relationship or one that is void of sexual intimacy can be difficult to sustain. This is often one of the most challenging aspects of a long distance relationship.

Both emotional and physical intimacy are key components of every romantic relationship.

Effects of Lack of Intimacy in a Relationship

Oftentimes, one person in a relationship is more intimate than the other. Relationships like this can still work, provided there is adequate communication between both people. If one person feels like they’re not getting enough from their partner and they don’t speak up, this can cause issues down the line, making it all the more important to have an honest conversation if you feel like intimacy is causing relationship issues between you and your partner.

Communication Problems

The first issues you’re likely to encounter stemming from lack of intimacy in your relationship are communication problems. If you don’t feel like you can connect with your partner in a deep sense, you might stop going to them when you feel sad, deflated, or unhappy, or when you have a problem. This causes an emotional distance. Without good communication, all relationships struggle because negative feelings are not addressed.

Self-Esteem Issues

Where physical intimacy is lacking, this can cause self-esteem. If your partner shows no interest in you physically, you might feel like they’re not attracted to you anymore, and this can cause you to question yourself. You might be asking yourself what’s wrong with you, or what about you is the reason your partner doesn’t seem interested in sexual activity with you. This can lead to you feeling like you’re not good enough and can result in low self-esteem. Issues with self-confidence can begin to affect other areas of your life outside your relationship, including at work.

Feeling Lonely and Isolated

We all feel lonely from time to time, but if your relationship is lacking the intimacy, it once had, you may find lonely and isolated most of the time. If you feel lonely in a relationship, you might begin to question why you’re in one, or whether being with your partner is actually doing anything positive for you. Emotionally, it might feel like you have no one to talk to, and this can cause you to bottle up your feelings. This in itself can lead to mental health issues such as stress or depression.

Questioning the Relationship

When it feels like intimacy in a relationship is gone, it’s natural that you might be thinking about the future of your relationship. If you have no physical intimacy, what makes your partner different from a friend? If you lack emotional intimacy, what separates them from an acquaintance? When these questions start popping up, it will inevitably lead to you questioning your relationship as a whole. This is when separation or divorce can become real possibilities.

What Causes a Lack of Intimacy?

There are lots of reasons why you might be experiencing dwindling intimacy in your relationship, with stress being one of the big ones. Stress can come from any and all directions, including work or finances. It can be difficult to relax when you’re stressed, causing a decreased sex drive. From an emotional perspective, you might find that arguments are more frequent during times of high stress, pushing you away from one another and making it difficult to get along, causing one or both of you to pull back from communicating.

Another factor is schedules. If you both work and barely see each other, it can be difficult to keep that spark alive. The same goes for those who have child care commitments and don’t find much time for each other.
Personal issues are also a big cause of lack of intimacy. If you’re having self-esteem issues, this could cause you to pull back unintentionally simply because you’re not happy with yourself. Another aspect is mental health problems. If one person in the relationship is struggling with their mental health, this can have a knock on effect.

What to Do if You’re Experiencing Lack of Intimacy

If you feel like there’s a lack of intimacy in your relationship, this doesn’t mean the relationship is going to end. There are a number of things you can do to revive it, including:

Communication

When you feel like something isn’t quite right or like your partner isn’t meeting your needs, have an honest and open discussion with them about it. Make sure you’re communicating calmly and respectfully, and don’t criticise them or try to blame them. A good way to begin open and honest communication is to follow the formula: “When you do/don’t do X, I feel Y, because X”. For example, “when you ignore me, I feel upset because I feel disconnected from you”. There is no blame being placed when we speak this way, and therefore your partner is less likely to shut down or become defensive. This is much better than saying “You always ignore me, I can’t stand it anymore!” which will cause your partner to become defensive.

As mentioned, oftentimes people don’t always know they’re being distant, so gently raising the issue is the best way to go about it. You might feel vulnerable discussing underlying issues with intimacy, especially if you’re in a long-term relationship and haven’t had issues before, but know that it’s perfectly normal and something most couples deal with. If you don’t communicate honestly, it will wreak havoc further down the line.

Time

Another thing you can try is to make time for each other, even if you have children. Reserve one day a week or a couple of days a month to go out on a date and just enjoy each other’s company, working on maintaining that romantic connection. When you spend quality time with your partner, you are paving the way for more communication. You can also work on rebuilding your emotional intimacy and remembering why you’re with that person and all the things you love about them. A healthy marriage or relationship relies on making time for each other.

Counselling

If you’re still struggling, relationship counselling can help. At Focus Therapy, I can help you and your partner work through physical intimacy issues, as well as the emotional side. Many couples find talking to a therapist to be incredibly useful in helping their relationship survive.

To find out more about how I can help you, please visit www.focustherapy.co.uk or call 07940539586.

The feeling of love, trust, and safety that comes from being with your partner is what we mean when we talk about intimacy in a relationship. It’s often considered the foundation of a relationship; an anchor for when the going gets tough and the reassurance that you’re not alone.

However, every romantic relationship is like a rollercoaster. There are good periods and less good periods; times when we feel really connected to our partner and times where we feel more distant. These ebbs and flows are part of any relationship, but what about if you feel like the lack of intimacy is more persistent? Can your relationship survive without intimacy?

In this blog, we’ll talk about what intimacy is and why intimacy might wane. Then, we’ll explain some ways to address this with your partner, so you know how to survive a relationship without intimacy.

Intimacy in relationships

First things first, it’s important to know that periods without intimacy are normal in any relationship. Significant life events like a new job or grief can get in the way of regular intimacy, as well as periods of stress or where you have lots of responsibilities to take care of. We should also acknowledge that there are two core

in any relationship: emotional and physical. Both are equally important for a strong, long-standing relationship.

Emotional Intimacy

When you and your partner both feel safe, secure, and loved, you have a strong level of emotional intimacy. Creating a deeper level of trust is important for fostering a connection with your partner. Emotional intimacy can lead to a positive sexual relationship based on higher levels of trust.

Physical Intimacy

Physical intimacy is what most of us immediately think of when we hear the word intimacy: physical affection and sexual intimacy, such as hand-holding, cuddling, hugging, kissing and, of course, sex. In relationships, sometimes, sexual desire and intimacy develops before emotional intimacy, but in other cases, being able to communicate openly can lead to physical intimacy as a result.

Why might there be a lack of intimacy?

As we touched on above, there are a number of reasons why relationships go through periods of little or no intimacy:

Short-term changes

A lack of intimacy could be brought about by short term changes, such as a hectic few weeks at work, a big deadline, or some other external stressor. In these cases, it’s likely a waiting game. Once the stressful event is over, it’s more than likely that you’ll fall back into a more intimate relationship and feel connected again.

Significant life events

Sometimes, there are more persistent changes and life events that also get in the way of intimacy. Financial difficulties, a change in employment, or even mental health difficulties can last a lot longer than a period of work stress. This can put a much larger strain on a relationship, especially if only one partner is having difficulties.

Lifestyle shifts

Lastly, there might be a complete change in your lifestyle that might mean that you feel like you’ve grown apart and that intimacy is missing. The most obvious example here tends to be having children: pregnancy, childbirth and the first few months can take up a lot of mental and physical energy, leaving little time for intimacy with your partner.

How to survive a relationship without intimacy

If you’ve been reading this blog and seeing parallels to your relationship, you might now be wondering if there’s anything that can be done about it, if there’s a way to survive the relationship without intimacy. The answer is slightly complicated. The short version is, if you don’t take steps to address your feelings of diminished intimacy, it’s likely the relationship won’t survive. However, in most cases where there is open communication between partners, you stand a strong chance of being able to improve intimacy and weather the storm.

We’re going to look at three things you can do if you’re experiencing a lack of emotional and physical intimacy in your relationship:

• Talk your feelings through
• Go back to the dating stage
• Explore couples counselling

Talk your feelings through

One of the first things we recommend that you do if you’re feeling like there is a lack of intimacy in your relationship is talk to your partner. Opening an honest and respectful channel of communication is an important first step in understanding why you might be feeling this way and moving past it together. Create that space for both of you to share your feelings and be vulnerable with each other in a safe way. You might uncover an underlying reason for drifting apart, which allows you to course-correct and begin to build that connection again once you realise, you’re both on the same page.

Go back to the dating stage

The first phases of a relationship are filled with a huge amount of passion, and the honeymoon phase is so exciting for a reason. With a lot of physical touch and time dedicated to building an emotional connection, it’s no surprise that this is one of the most intimate times in a relationship. If this begins to fade, a sexless relationship may evolve and there may be no clear distinction between your partner and your friends. Sexless marriages and relationships often end due to this, so it’s important to keep the romantic spark alive. You can bring some of that spark back by going back to the start and dating each other again.

Dedicate one night a week as date night, where you do something just the two of you to rekindle your spark. If time and money are a factor, maybe try bringing them a coffee at work or planning a film night at home. Giving each other this level of attention can help bring back some more of that intimacy that was so strong in the early stages of the relationship.

Explore couples counselling

It can be difficult to navigate these relationship challenges alone. It requires that you get vulnerable with yourself and your partner which, if you’re struggling to feel connected, can be challenging.

Relationship counselling

can offer you both a safe space to work through your feelings and find ways to reintroduce intimacy into your relationship. Many couples find relationship counselling plays a core role in keeping them aligned and helping the relationship to not only survive but thrive.

Going to counselling can ensure you’re able to reconnect on an emotional level whilst addressing issues that could be contributing to your lack of intimacy. Communication and openness go hand in hand with a positive and healthy relationship.

Relationship counselling with Focus Therapy

If you’d like to explore couples counselling with your partner, there are options to explore. You can be supported to address physical intimacy and sex life issues, or you can work through the emotional connection. Get in touch today by visiting www.focustherapy.co.uk or call 07940539586 to discuss how counselling at Focus Therapy can help you to survive a relationship without true intimacy.